How to Discover an Affair

Posted on December 27, 2005 by J. Benjamin Stevens

Over the past few months, I have gotten to know private investigator extraordinaire Bill Mitchell, who today has the distinct honor of making the first "guest post" on my blog. This post is very insightful, and I hope you will enjoy it. Without any further adieu, here it is:

"DENY, DENY, DENY THE AFFAIR -- Take action and get the bottom of an affair with these Ten Valuable Steps!" by Bill Mitchell.

For almost forty years I've heard this theme played over and over again, like a top 40 hit. As an investigator I heard clients tell this almost everyday. Here's what they tell me? "My husband says he's not seeing someone." But he can't explain exactly where he was last night. Not only that, his clothes seemed of ladies perfume. The golf clubs are clean as a whistle but he claims to have played around with buddies from work.

This is a typical scenario for the private investigator's initial consultation. I'll open a file, ask lots of questions, and notes but all often hear this reoccurring theme. They ask for the truth but never get it. So where does that leave you? Are chasing down dead-ends? What can you do for yourself and not turn up empty handed like my clients?What do they deny?

Where they have been without you. Why they need to be alone. Any details to support their activities. If they are cheating. If they are having sex with someone else. How long they have been in an affair. Any truthful information about their secret life.

So, what can you do to overcome these obstacles?

The first rule I insist upon is: "Stop asking questions."

Why?

It is instinctive behavior to deny the facts, especially when they tell the truth. If you believe you can ask pointed questions of a cheater and receive volumes of incriminating information - forget it. This scenario only happens in fiction novels. The last time I faced a murderer offering to help that would get to him a fair trial, he lied. The last time I conducted a lie detection exam for a suspecting employee in a theft case, he lied to me. The last time I asked an insurance fraud scam artist to confess, he lied.

The second rule is: "Get organized."

You can help yourself by organizing your information. Start with a diary. Using a daily journal is very helpful. Focus on excuses, times, events, days of the week, or any tidbits of information you come across. Include what you heard, saw or discovered each day. This is called "layering".

Third Rule is: "Search for obvious clues."

Places to look are in your records of credit charges, phone bills, gas card charges, check accounts, savings accounts. Too often early discover of an affair slips away because spouse feel like spying is wrong. Adultery is wrong so feel justified if you need to look.

Fourth Rule is: "Track mileage daily."

Our society is driven and so are cheating spouses. They rendezvous. Trips to and from work, church, play or illegitimate activities reveal the length incurred. Take advantage of this simple step. Take the time to record in your daily or another form of record keeping vehicle usage. It's a great short cut!

Fifth Rule is: "Look for Deceptive Behavior."

As a general rule, most cheating spouses exhibit deceptive behavior. They make the simplest tasks same so complicated. A trip to store takes excessive amount of time. No receipt, no proof of purchase, and lots of excuses.

Sixth Rule is: "Remove any weapons from the home."

Emotions never run any hotter than during an affair. Cheating spouses may turn on you like a flash fire. Handguns are the deadliest enemy you could face so hide them.

Seventh Rule is: "Analyze your financial exposure and end the risks."

Cancel credit cards, lines of credit or any form of financial risk you might incur until things settle down. You can notify in writing those institutions you feel might burden you with bills never consented to.

Eighth Rule is: "Act as if nothing is wrong, but encourage counseling."

Just remember counseling will fail if your spouse is dragged there. In fact you might even find this option a pre-destined failure if your spouse is looking for a way to show you how.

Ninth Rule is: “Don't try to stop the affair - look to prove it."

Proof dictates the future in most relationships. When you know all the details, denial anticipated, a cheating spouse is a captive audience. Seek this empowerment wholeheartedly to end the deception. When you have facts your choices are numerous.

Tenth Rule is: "Plan for the worst, but hope for the best!"

Optimism is the best policy to employ given the circumstances. You may be wrong and seemingly obvious affair may have never happened. Be careful to keep a positive attitude or you may compounded the problems in your life.

Copyright Bill Mitchell 2005. All rights reserved.

William F. (Bill) Mitchell, Jr., Seven-Day Detective, is an internationally renowned author who is recognized for his practical, solution-based investigative strategies to marriages facing infidelity. As a recognized expert on infidelity and child custody, Mr. Mitchell appears regularly as a guest expert on TV and national talk shows including Dr. Phil, FoxNews, Today Show, and The Early Show. He has been interviewed by numerous publications including Chicago Tribune, Esquire, New York Post, Ladies Home Journal Online, and PI Magazine. Mr. Mitchell is the author of two books including Adultery: Facing Its Reality and The More You Know - Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship.

Mr. Mitchell is a licensed private investigator in South Carolina. He was formerly licensed in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and District of Columbia. His education includes training by the Department of Defense, Dektor Counterintelligence, New Jersey State Police, and various insurance claims organizations. Mr. Mitchell is a member of National Association of Investigative Specialists, Alliance of Investigators and Security Specialists, Carolina Organized Retail Theft Task Force, and Piedmont Claims Association. Mr. Mitchell, Seven-Day Detective, received a B.A. in Psychology from Mt. St. Mary's University. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina with his wife, three daughters, and a son.